i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
He better not be in your backpack
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
