you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
