Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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