My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
