Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
