That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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