Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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