You're my little dorito
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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