if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
accomplished twins. life is a go
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
