oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
