Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
