I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
