I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
