Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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