trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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