i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
