i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
