I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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