Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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