Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
