haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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