Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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