it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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