he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
