The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
They took my balls.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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