I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
