When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
