just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
