i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
