Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
