you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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