I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
