My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
