glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
