i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
