I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
