it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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