I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
