I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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