I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
