the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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