The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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