dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
