I'm pants shitting drunk right now
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
