I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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