I got her a Nickelback box set.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
