we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
