Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Let's get the cat blown out
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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