Do you still have your period?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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