im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
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