I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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