If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
