So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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